[£25]
We all like Christmas jumpers, and by like I mean put up with. So how could we possibly make them even better? By making NBA themed ones that’s how. If my gran was a baller, and I’m by no means suggesting that she isn’t, she’d love this range of UGLY NBA Christmas merchandise. So far they only sell jumpers and socks, and I’ve no idea what they’re made of. The website doesn’t say. If I was to guess, I’d say elephant pube wool. I could be wrong. Just buy one and see for yourself instead of pestering me. I’ve got a game of HORSE to finish and my gran is kicking my ass.

[$19.99]
I'm always shaving my beard all wonky, and no amount of elaborate mirror arrangement ever seems to help. I could shave it all off, but my youthful face means I become an instant legal prey for the local nonces. Thankfully I’ll now be able to avoid such a sticky end with the Beard Bro. This shaping tool helps you trim either long or short beards with precision. Isn’t that good? Although the name sucks a bit. I’d have called it the Hyper Glide Precision Beard Radar Cyber Slice Pro 4 With Extra Twin Prongs.

[$35]
Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.

[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$50] / [£49.99]
Tannus Tyres have developed cutting edge polymer technology to create solid state tyres which cannot puncture or deflate. Much like my sister after too much booze, they utilise a unique foaming process to create these tyres, whichclosely match premium city bike tyres in the way they handle. They’re also much lighter and come in a range of pretty colours. You know what this means? We can now throw all our broken glass, tacks, and razor blades into the path of any oncoming cyclist. If their tyres burst and they collapse into a crumpled heap, well it’s not your fault if they’re behind the times.

[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.