[$36]
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.

[$19.95]
Throw away all the tools in your house right now. Have you done that? Good. Now purchase this Ifixit Essential Electronics Toolkit, as it promises to replace 99% of the gadgets you use to repair household electronic items. I probably should've specified that beforehand. Oh well. This handy piece of ass contains a magnetized driver handle, precision tweezers, opening tools, a spudger, and all the screwdriver bits you'll ever need in a lovely portable carrying case. This set should prove especially useful during the short period between breaking your phone and taking it to the repair shop, you know, that time when you convince yourself you can fix your cracked screen using a Youtube tutorial and a Pritt Stick.

[£10]
The Bike Multi Tool by Present in the Laine makes a great gift for cyclists, especially if you don't really love them enough to purchase something more interesting. This handy gadget contains 14 different tools including allen keys, ring spanners, screwdrivers, a socket wrench and a handy carrying pouch. So if your cyclist friend ever has an accident out on the road, this Bike Multi Tool will have them up and running in no time. Unless they've been hit by an articulated lorry. Then they're probably dead.

[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.

[$174.99]
The Wall-Mounted Kindling Splitter could easily be used to execute a beloved family pet that was on it's on its last legs, but when I inquired if this was possible I was told it's "not in the spirit of the product". Apparently, you're only supposed to use this contraption for splitting kindling wood and not the brutal slaying of small animals. Spoilsports. Anyway, you can attach this thing to a wall with ease, and since its made of Swedish cast iron it should last you for years. But will you ever feel as manly as you do chopping kindling outside with an axe in an ugly check shirt? No. No you will not.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$499]
The Cubioo Laser Engraver is the most compact laser engraver in the world...until someone makes a smaller one, or they put this one into a trash compactor. Capable of engraving designs into paper, wood, leather and human flesh, the Cubioo is ideal for personalising keychains and small pets alike. The Cubioo's laser is so powerful it could even cut through the moon, as well as fabric, felt and cardboard. So what are you waiting for you non-engraving idiot? Get one of these and start burning your name into stuff!

[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.

[$ Dependent on service requested]
Still Googling things yourself like a sucker? Start using Magic, a 24/7 service who will order you anything you like using pre-supplied address and payment info. Their number, 83489, is shorter than the word Google by one letter, saving valuable finger strength for when your partner comes over. Costing just a standard message rate, they’ll order you anything legal; beer, flowers, a hot air balloon, although I’d like to test how good they are and ask for a capuchin monkey in lingerie, which is still technically legal.

[$150+]
Multifunction items are great. My toaster is also a fleshlight. The hamster cage doubles up as a blender. And my son is a bespoke reactive punchbag. In this vein comes the Leatherman Tool Bracelet. Their slogan “You don’t have to be a tool to wear one, but you are and also an idiot” hasn’t gone live yet, but it will. This high strength corrosion resistant stainless steel bracelet contains 25 different tools, including hex wrenches, a can opener, screwdrivers and a pulsating Ion cannon. Oh wait, they took that off. There are plans to add a Swiss made timepiece in the coming year, which also makes it a watch. Isn’t that nice. Although a chainsaw would be better.

[$99] / [£79]
We’ve all heard the stories of Rock and Roll Legend. ACDC once smashed a dog to bits. Paul McCartney turned himself inside out in front of a crowd of screaming children. Whitney Houston once fell naked down the plughole and had to be dragged out by her roadies. Roadies are always there to save the day, whether it be tuning your instruments, punching fans in the mouth or taking your sloppy seconds behind a trailer. The Roadie Tuner Automatic Guitar Tuner can help you with one of those, the tuning bit. Connecting via Bluetooth to your phone, you can simply whack this gadget onto your tuning pegs, strum a string and it will automatically tune it for you. This handy little device will even tell you when you need to change your strings. It will not change you out of soiled G-strings though, which is a shame.

Note, does not work on Tuna, or Maracas.