[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$114.99]
As the summer months approach there are two things you'll begin to smell - the delicious aroma of charred meat and the musty stench of hot garbage. So why not combine the two with this wonderful Po Man Charcoal BBQ Grill! This bit of kit is a fully working charcoal grill disguised as a regular trash can, so not only can you throw meat on it for cooking al-fresco, but inevitably some idiots will think it’s a regular garbage can and use it to store their trash. Inside you'll find a coal box, starter pan, skewers and a temperature adjusting vent, but none of this will matter when you realise someone has thrown a used diaper on top of your lightly charred steak. I think it'll enhance the flavour if anything.

[$23] / [£16.99]
From the author of Bathing in Wine, Shaving with Milk and Dancing in Pepsi comes this astounding new book - Cooking With Beer. This essential collection of beer-based bites contains 75 spectacular recipes using a range of beers including instructions for beer sandwiches, beer tacos, beer cakes, beer frittatas and probably some kind of beer beer. I don’t know, I haven't read it, all I know is I wholeheartedly approve of new ways to get myself drunk.

[$17.90]
Still juicing lemons on your nose, elbow or genitals? Not anymore! The Juice Bruce Lemon Squeezer is here to help! On the surface Juice Bruce looks like a bit of wood with a face on that you can jam into fruits, but really he's so much more than that. He's ergonomically designed for your hands, he's versatile, he's romantic, he's a tender lover, he writes excellent poetry, he is so many things. He probably makes a great dildo too, but only after you've removed the citrus pulp from his face.

[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.

[$37.95] / [£22.95]
Are you sick of having to melt your own cheese by putting it down your pants and concentrating really hard? Then snap up the BoskaRaclette Set for easy melted cheese in a matter of seconds. This metal and wooden contraption sits over three candles and lovingly heats your hardened cow boob juice using a gradual temperature, and its compact nature ensures you can prepare gloopy cheddar goodness wherever you please. In fact, why not try melting cheese at a funeral, in a maternity ward, or even at the back of a porno theatre for a tasty erotic snack. The sky's the limit! Because you probably can't take this on airplanes.

[$25] / [£20]
Rice is a harsh mistress, and if you wish to enjoy her pleasures you have but two options. First, you can take half an hour to boil the little grainy pricks, but there's a risk you'll forget about the pan and end up with a gloopy burnt spaff. Or, if you're brave, you can try one of those nasty two-minute microwave dealies that probably give you cancer after the first bite. But now there's a third option; the Joseph Joseph Rice Cooker. Just sling your rice into this bowl, pop in some water, chuck the whole thing into the microwave and you'll be greeted with delicious cooked rice in under five minutes. Even Donald Trump's hookers can't produce something hot and steamy in that time!

[$180.95]
This SKID Wooden Chef Knife is a lie. A lie wrapped in an untruth, carved from deception and polished using nothing but the purest make-belief man has to offer. The handle and body of the SKID is indeed constructed from fine Mahogany, but the blade is made of Damascus steel. Actually, that does sound pretty cool when you think of it. This knife is also environmentally friendly since it takes much more CO2 to create a steel one than this baby. And if you spend a bit more you get a free chopping board, you know, for chopping up Mother Nature's finest creations. Nice!

[$29.99]
This Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill can cook up to six strips of regular or thick-cut bacon in mere minutes. How many minutes? I don't know, a bunch I guess. But it has an illuminated cooking timer so that'll probably tell you. The grill's design enables grease to funnel away neatly into the tray below, leaving you two wonderful things as a result - crispy bacon, and a fuckload of grease to drink at your leisure.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.