[$35,000]
This is the Model 3, Tesla’s latest fancypants electric car. If you’ve got $35,000 to lay down on a set of wheels then most sensible people would just by a $5000 car and fill it with 30 grand’s worth of hookers. But if for some reason that idea sounds distasteful to you then by all means, buy a Tesla Model 3. They can run for 215 miles without charge, go from 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds, come with autopilot hardware, and can seat five adults. But then again, so can my friend Honey, and she only costs $400 for the night.

[£450,000]
The Jaguar E-type is the kind of car men want to make love to, and many frequently do, mangling their man bits in the process. But if you're confident you can improve on greatness then the folks at Eagle are now offering a custom-built Eagle Speedster based entirely on the original E-type model. You could add racing stripes, speed holes, an easy access dogging roof - whatever the hell you want! Jeremy Clarkson called the Eagle Speedster the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but he's a racist who punched a man for not bringing him his dinner, so just watch the video and see for yourself.

[$74,900]
Classic Ford Broncos are a US company who fix up and pimp out old Ford Broncos, because if they restored old Cadillacs their name would make no god damn sense. This 1974 wooden bronco is a one of a kind restore job available to one lucky person with $74,900 to spaff in their general direction. The car itself is powered by a fuel-injected 302 V8 engine and comes with automatic transmission, power steering, power disc brakes, and a shitload of wood stuck to its bodywork. The wood is marine-grade, which I assume makes it waterproof, but I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't trust me. I could've made this car up for all you know. I probably have.

[$40.49] / [£29.99]
Do you like shiny multi-coloured things that sparkle and shimmer? Then you'll love this brand new range of unicorn jizz tinned for freshness. Oh, and also this Hologram Backpack is pretty nifty too. Made from tough polyester this backpack will ensure you definitely don't look like a back-spack, and it comes with an inner laptop divider, media port and a hidden port, where you could store a knife to stab people who laugh at your new backpack.

[$59.95]
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.

[£8]
If you've ever seen a large concrete structure and thought "christ that is one ugly bastard building", then chances are you've encountered the movement known as Brutalism. Brutalist architecture flourished between the 1950's and 1970's, and some of London's most god-awful examples have been lovingly documented in this, the Blue Crow Map of Brutalist London. So for the worst day out you've ever had in your life, why not pick up a copy and depress yourself beyond tablets with some of the most intimidating architecture England's capital city has to offer.

[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$19,176]
These Honomobo Shipping Container Homes are ideal for people who love being forced into confined spaces alongside their loved ones. Kidnap victims, perhaps. Or mole people. Anyway, if you've always wanted to live in a giant metal box then fine, buy one. But I'm not coming to visit. Honomobo will make it in any design you like, any colour and any smell. But as I said, I won't ever come round. Ever. Oh okay, maybe once. But I won't enjoy it.

[€50]
Doing a jigsaw is a lot like putting a human body back together; first you must find all the parts, look at a picture for guidance, and the whole thing can be ruined when one bit goes missing. This Fractal Jigsaw takes that last part way too far though, because when each piece is put in place it looks like it's disappeared. Described as a "proper hard bastard" by Stephen Hawking, you'll chew your own lips off with rage before completing this pain the ass puzzle.

[£14.99]
The best gifts to give are those which help to enable a crippling habit someone's tried really hard to overcome. For example, why not sling a recovering alcohoic this Secret Booze Bangle to ensure they topple off the wagon completely? Made of almost definitely fake Rose Gold, this hollowed-out hand-accessory can be filled with enough booze to take the edge off an awkward family funeral. Go on. Be the hate you want to see in the world. You know it makes sense.

[$19.59] / [£14.99]
Do you have a face like a slapped arse? Worry not you grotesquely ugly freak, for this Take Better Selfies Lens Kit is here to save you...probably. I mean you can't polish a turd; trust me, I've tried. But what you can do is take less crappy photographs of your unfortunately constructed mug thanks to the array of clip-on lenses included in this deluxe 5 in 1 kit.