[$50] / [£49.99]
Tannus Tyres have developed cutting edge polymer technology to create solid state tyres which cannot puncture or deflate. Much like my sister after too much booze, they utilise a unique foaming process to create these tyres, whichclosely match premium city bike tyres in the way they handle. They’re also much lighter and come in a range of pretty colours. You know what this means? We can now throw all our broken glass, tacks, and razor blades into the path of any oncoming cyclist. If their tyres burst and they collapse into a crumpled heap, well it’s not your fault if they’re behind the times.

[$7,350]
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.

[$499]
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[£10]
The Bike Multi Tool by Present in the Laine makes a great gift for cyclists, especially if you don't really love them enough to purchase something more interesting. This handy gadget contains 14 different tools including allen keys, ring spanners, screwdrivers, a socket wrench and a handy carrying pouch. So if your cyclist friend ever has an accident out on the road, this Bike Multi Tool will have them up and running in no time. Unless they've been hit by an articulated lorry. Then they're probably dead.

[£8]
If you've ever seen a large concrete structure and thought "christ that is one ugly bastard building", then chances are you've encountered the movement known as Brutalism. Brutalist architecture flourished between the 1950's and 1970's, and some of London's most god-awful examples have been lovingly documented in this, the Blue Crow Map of Brutalist London. So for the worst day out you've ever had in your life, why not pick up a copy and depress yourself beyond tablets with some of the most intimidating architecture England's capital city has to offer.

[$707.34] / [£669]
You know the Black Label 6061 Bike is a fancy bit of kit because they use clever words in the description to say so. Its frame is made from "high-end" aluminium. The forks are made from "carbon fiber steer tubes". And it has something called a "Flip flop hub". I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it. The Black Label is also fully customisable, so whether you're a fat bloke riding to work or a slender lass who bikes up mountains, the 6061 can be faffed with to suit your needs. Just make sure you remember to put the brakes on properly. I forgot when I was assembling my son's bike, and now he thinks his fingers are spaghetti.

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

[£49.99]
Balloons burst. Bubbles burst. Small animals burst. These Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres do not burst. That's because they're made of some kind of sh*t that's all solid on the inside. They grip like normal bike tyres, have low rolling resistance and possess an equivalent give of about 100 psi. Do you know what that means? Then you ride bikes too much. Do something else. Read a book. Fondle a crow. Anything.

[$799]
I like things which appear aged but aren't actually that old. Like Lindsay Lohan, who despite looking fifty is actually only twelve. This Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle similarly looks like something you'd find stuck to the wall of a hipster dive bar, but don't let its classic appearance fool you, for this exercise bike comes with many modern features including bluetooth smart connectivity, app compatibility and a swarm of nanobots that will consume your mortal enemies.