[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Worried that you're not eating enough Himalayan salt? Me too. It costs me thousands every year just to trek up those mountain bastards to have a lick of a bit of rock. But thankfully I need do this no longer, because some clever sod has made these Himalayan Salt Shot Glasses. The glasses come arranged in a decorative Acacia wood serving board, and every sip of vodka, whiskey or milk you slurp out comes be infused with a subtle salty flavour. So if you've always wanted your drinks to taste like someone's spooged right into them, this is the product for you!

[$17]
Hey bro check out this like, totally gnarly beer shotguning tool for when you need to be a total bro on the go. Like, you know, for parties and junk. I know right? Instead of making like a, like, like a hole in a can with a knife or your weiner, you can just toally use this to do it for you, which means more time for shotgunning more beers bro. Yeah bro. I know! Bro. Bro! BRO!

[$29.99]
Beer coolers are quite hefty, and hauling one to the beach is a real pain in the ass. But you know what's more annoying? Taking sixteen individual Asobu Beer Chillers to the beach instead, because apparently, the ability to cool one beer is a useful thing. Asobu's Frosty Beer 2 Go product is a vacuum insulated double walled stainless steel beer bottle and can cooler, which also comes with a bottle opener so you can attach the one solitary beer you're able to store inside. Admittedly, this gadget does keep your booze cold for several hours at a time, but if I'm honest, I'd rather haul a solar powered fridge to the beach than a bunch of these daft things.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$7.88] / [£5]
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve used my teeth as a bottle opener, which is mostly because I’ve drunk away the memories. People use shoes, table-tops and the anuses of small mammals to crack open a cold one, but the Split Ring Bottle Opener solves that problem easily. This nickel-plated iron bottle opener masquerades as a keyring, ensuring you don’t come off as the alcoholic weirdo who always carries a bottle opener everywhere you go.

[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.

[from $39.99]
Finally, a product that drunks and hoarders can both enjoy. Introducing the Beer Cap Map. If you have a bottlecap habit worse than the Tasmanian Devil’s then maybe you’d enjoy pushing them into tiny holes on a map of your country. Each map is made from 5mm plywood and they work with most bottle caps. Available in USA, UK, Canada and one or two other countries plus all the American states. It isn’t available in the shape of Saudi Arabia, a dry country, even though that would be funny.

[$9]
As a barely functioning alcoholic if I don’t have a bottle opener I’ll simply smash my brew open and cut my gums to shreds. For you fancy bastards with your dignity you may want to purchase the Pico Micro Bottle Opener. This sleek design fits on a tiny keychain which you use as leverage. And despite its size it remains surprisingly effective at removing bottlecaps. Like a virgin on a first date it needs only a single tug to get it off.

[$9] / [£6]
The Headgehog is a multi-purpose comb shaped like a hedgehog that fits neatly into your wallet. It is much more practical than carrying around an actual hedgehog, for reasons I shall now demonstrate. Firstly, combing your hair with a hedgehog is traumatic for both parties and can lead to mites, whereas the headgehog is a lovely and clean Stainless Steel hair-fixer thing. The Headgehog also contains a bottle opener, phillips screwdriver and a wrench. If you use a hedgehog’s mouth or anus to open bottles and bolts, you’ll have a dead hedgehog and a load of mess to clean up. With the addition of a money clip, chip clip and phone stand, the Headgehog beats the hedgehog hands down as a multi-purpose must-have wallet accessory, relegating the hedgehog into the category of roadkill slash occasional tennis ball.

[$15.70] / [£20.21]
I live in a tiny cupboard under the stairs. Where I sleep, I eat. Where I eat, I cook. Where I cook, I go number twos. Many people have limited space like me, but with seventeen children and a load of pet wasps I need to make sure all my cooking utensils fit somewhere very small indeed. That’s why I use the All-in-One Kitchen Tool Set for all my culinary needs. This clever kit contains a funnel, lemon juicer, spice grater, egg masher, cheese grater, a lid grip to loosen jar tops, an egg separator and a 1 ¼ measuring cup. It is made from plastic and is only 3.25 inches wide and 12 inches high, just like my eldest son who never sees daylight. This set is so small and compact I actually have room to swing a cat now, which is good as that is tonight’s tea. Kids, clean the egg separator, who wants the eyes?

[$145]
How many times have you bought an awesome pair of sunglasses only to sit your fat ass on them five minutes later. Sure you can try and bend them back into shape, but you’ll end up looking like sloth from the goonies when they hang off your head half cocked. With a pair of Polarized Titanium Sunglasses you need never worry about buying another pair ever again, because they’re made out of the same material as the FASTEST FRIGGING JET IN THE WORLD! (SR-71 if you were wondering). These 80’s inspired sunnies have polarized CR-39 lenses, I don’t know what that means but I assume it stops you going blind in sunny weather. All this and the scratch resistant frames would make these bad boys amazing already, but then those clever designer bastards only went and carved a bottle opener into the side. Genius.