[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$9.95]
Some people call them cookies, others call them biscuits. What we all agree on is that circular discs of chocolatey crumbly goodness taste even better when dunked in milk, coffee or tea. Unfortunately the United Nations recently declared losing half your cookie in a drink as a war crime, but thankfully the Dunking Buddy is here to help. Using a revolutionary technology described as “magnets or some shit”, this device can be attached to the cup included or any standard household cup to ensure you never lose a single morsel of cookie. It’s also proudly made in the USA, for any of you snackfood racists out there.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$7.25]
Are you too poor to own a dishwasher? Do you have to scrub your own plates like a pauper? Well maybe you should’ve tried harder at school, like the people who invented these Sponge Tipped Rubber Gloves. There’s not much more to say about these things, they’re latex rubber gloves with a bit of sponge stuck on to help you scrub stuff. It’s quite simple really, but did you think of it? No. Which is why tonight you’ll eat beans out of a tin and fall asleep regretting your terrible life choices. However, all that can be changed by buying these probably.

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$89.97]
As summer approaches the last thing you want to drink is a massive hot mug of steaming coffee, because that'll make you sweat all the water out of your god damn body. But if you're still hankering for an injection of caffeine you could drink a glass of coke like a non-idiot, or you could use the My Dutch Cold Coffee Brew Maker to create a delicious glass of cold brew coffee. Using an innovative clean cold water drip method the My Dutch extracts new flavours from coffee which you wouldn't get from hot brewing, and comes in both 350ml and 550ml varieties, so there.

[$37.95] / [£22.95]
Are you sick of having to melt your own cheese by putting it down your pants and concentrating really hard? Then snap up the BoskaRaclette Set for easy melted cheese in a matter of seconds. This metal and wooden contraption sits over three candles and lovingly heats your hardened cow boob juice using a gradual temperature, and its compact nature ensures you can prepare gloopy cheddar goodness wherever you please. In fact, why not try melting cheese at a funeral, in a maternity ward, or even at the back of a porno theatre for a tasty erotic snack. The sky's the limit! Because you probably can't take this on airplanes.

[$180.95]
This SKID Wooden Chef Knife is a lie. A lie wrapped in an untruth, carved from deception and polished using nothing but the purest make-belief man has to offer. The handle and body of the SKID is indeed constructed from fine Mahogany, but the blade is made of Damascus steel. Actually, that does sound pretty cool when you think of it. This knife is also environmentally friendly since it takes much more CO2 to create a steel one than this baby. And if you spend a bit more you get a free chopping board, you know, for chopping up Mother Nature's finest creations. Nice!

[$29.99]
This Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill can cook up to six strips of regular or thick-cut bacon in mere minutes. How many minutes? I don't know, a bunch I guess. But it has an illuminated cooking timer so that'll probably tell you. The grill's design enables grease to funnel away neatly into the tray below, leaving you two wonderful things as a result - crispy bacon, and a fuckload of grease to drink at your leisure.

[$21.79] / [£16.99]
The creation of beef jerky can be achieved in two ways; make yourself so physically arousing to a cow that it just can't help itself, or buy this Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit. If you're a fan of dried out old meat and you're sick of chewing on Donatella Versace's neck, then this handy box of spices and plastic bags are all you need. Oh, and some beef of course. Because why would they supply the ONE THING YOU NEED THE MOST. I despair sometimes, I really do.