[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$79]
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.

[$149]
Not enough stuff does enough stuff for my liking. My shoes don't tell me the time, I can't take a dump in my sofa, and my toaster won't have sex with me despite years of flirting. The volterman smart wallet is an exception, though, as this saucy little cash holder will also charge your phone, provide a wi-fi hotspot, alert you using bluetooth and it even lets you track the bastard using gps technology. And if that wasn't enough for you you greedy bastard, the volterman also comes with a memory card, RFID protection and a thief detection camera. I have my own thief detection camera though. It's called my sight. It goes well with my thief repellant tool. It's called a knife.

[$24.99] / [£39.99]
Ah Monopoly, a board game classic that's the source of at least 90% of all family arguments - the other 10% being incest-related. The Monopoly Ultimate Banking Game edition provides a timely update to the board game's traditional style, adding new elements such as instant cashless transaction and flexible property prices that rise and fall depending on where you land. Of course, if this game wanted to be truly accurate it would come with six bags of cocaine and a bribe for the mayor. We can but dream.

[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

[$34.99]
Are you the kind of person who wants everyone to think you’re dollar when really you’re a broke-ass bitch? This set of prop money comes with 5 fake stacks of distressed $100 bills. The interior notes are blank but let’s hope the lady at the grocery store doesn’t notice. Wait, I mean the people who watch your movie. Perhaps you could make a porno about Mr Burns? Or maybe you want to make people go crazy by burning it outside a homeless shelter. Do as you please.

[$9] / [£6]
The Headgehog is a multi-purpose comb shaped like a hedgehog that fits neatly into your wallet. It is much more practical than carrying around an actual hedgehog, for reasons I shall now demonstrate. Firstly, combing your hair with a hedgehog is traumatic for both parties and can lead to mites, whereas the headgehog is a lovely and clean Stainless Steel hair-fixer thing. The Headgehog also contains a bottle opener, phillips screwdriver and a wrench. If you use a hedgehog’s mouth or anus to open bottles and bolts, you’ll have a dead hedgehog and a load of mess to clean up. With the addition of a money clip, chip clip and phone stand, the Headgehog beats the hedgehog hands down as a multi-purpose must-have wallet accessory, relegating the hedgehog into the category of roadkill slash occasional tennis ball.

[$14.18] / [£12]
The Face Bank is a moneybox that eats money. It is creepy and it is weird. When you put your money near the sensors located around this hellish contraption’s rubber gob, it starts moving it’s lips, devouring your coins instantly. I find it much safer to put all my coins in my own mouth, but now I have bowels full of change and nothing to get it out with. Here’s a thought, imagine if they made this box bigger, with a bigger mouth. I could leave my girlfriend then.

[$45]
Are you annoyed about your huge bulging wallet ruining your silhouette when you pose in tight hotpants or shorts? I know I am. I could earn less money and I could wear clothes that weren’t so tight on my sweet cheeks, but that’s just not going to happen. Instead I’ll just buy the Billetus Carbon Fibre Wallet, a super compact stylish wallet made from aircraft grade aluminium. Coming in at 8.5mm thick for the minimus and 9.5mm for a maximus, they are the same thickness as an iPhone 4s, or seventy four wasps squashed into the shape of an iPhone 4s. There are various pricings available on the Billetus Kickstarter page for both the minimus, which holds five cards plus cash, and the maximus, which holds seven plus cash. It also boasts it will keep your business cards in pristine condition, so you can hand out contact details for your erotic animal boutique to strangers without them being all crinkly and junk. Order now to receive yours just after xmas, making it the perfect gift for people you don’t love enough to get them a present on time

Handy, teeny, keyring cash capsule. At a couple of centimeters in length this chap is tiny but will still be able to fit any note of your choosing, making sure you always have that emergency cash to hand.