[$9.95]
Some people call them cookies, others call them biscuits. What we all agree on is that circular discs of chocolatey crumbly goodness taste even better when dunked in milk, coffee or tea. Unfortunately the United Nations recently declared losing half your cookie in a drink as a war crime, but thankfully the Dunking Buddy is here to help. Using a revolutionary technology described as “magnets or some shit”, this device can be attached to the cup included or any standard household cup to ensure you never lose a single morsel of cookie. It’s also proudly made in the USA, for any of you snackfood racists out there.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

[$24.47] / [£19.17]
America loves nothing more than to cook the innocent corpses of foreign citizens via yet another successful freedom bombing. But sometimes they like to cook food too, as you'll see in this 800-recipe tome called America: The Cookbook. As well as a bunch of food instructions, you'll also find 50 essays written about the cuisine of every American state. You won't read them, but they're there. Go Murica!

[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.

[$54.95] / [£69.99]
Are your family morbidly obese? Do you have a crack habit? Maybe you just spend too much time on your phone. These Time Locking Kitchen Containers can solve all your addictions with their programmable lids that can be set to lock for up to ten days. Throw your vice into the box and hey presto, you are cured. Note; this product is unsuitable for chronic masturbators or those with a hamster fetish. Ah who am I kidding, knock yourselves out.

[$Free]
The Amazon Dash button is a wireless ordering button you can set up to easily replenish those household items you buy every week. Stick it near where you use it, bam. I get that. It’s convenient. But…have they thought of the downsides? I should be hired to tell companies how dickheads might use their invention. I’d swap the stickers on your toilet roll and coffee. I’d order you 12,000 tampons because tampons are funny. I’d put the condom button in your kids room. Come on people, think of the consequences!

[$11.79] / [£10.95]
They can’t call these Brick and Figure Molds what they actually are… Lego molds …because that’s copyright infringement. But I can, because I can’t be sued. There’s a legal statute that says “Thy shall na’er be sue-able if one hath an owl on thy shoulder”. I have an owl on my shoulder, therefore I cannot be sued. Look it up. If you want to make giant chocolate Lego sets, ice Lego guys, or a whole city out of Jelego then use these silicone molds to fulfil your dreams. By the way, Jelego (Jello Lego) is copyrighted to me. I will sue you unless you are laden with Owls.

[$15.70] / [£20.21]
I live in a tiny cupboard under the stairs. Where I sleep, I eat. Where I eat, I cook. Where I cook, I go number twos. Many people have limited space like me, but with seventeen children and a load of pet wasps I need to make sure all my cooking utensils fit somewhere very small indeed. That’s why I use the All-in-One Kitchen Tool Set for all my culinary needs. This clever kit contains a funnel, lemon juicer, spice grater, egg masher, cheese grater, a lid grip to loosen jar tops, an egg separator and a 1 ¼ measuring cup. It is made from plastic and is only 3.25 inches wide and 12 inches high, just like my eldest son who never sees daylight. This set is so small and compact I actually have room to swing a cat now, which is good as that is tonight’s tea. Kids, clean the egg separator, who wants the eyes?

[$44.99] / [£59.99]
Get your chops round the World’s Largest Hershey’s Bar, made from five pounds of milk chocolaty goodness. A perfect Easter gift!