[£25]
We all like Christmas jumpers, and by like I mean put up with. So how could we possibly make them even better? By making NBA themed ones that’s how. If my gran was a baller, and I’m by no means suggesting that she isn’t, she’d love this range of UGLY NBA Christmas merchandise. So far they only sell jumpers and socks, and I’ve no idea what they’re made of. The website doesn’t say. If I was to guess, I’d say elephant pube wool. I could be wrong. Just buy one and see for yourself instead of pestering me. I’ve got a game of HORSE to finish and my gran is kicking my ass.

[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.

[$23] / [£16.99]
From the author of Bathing in Wine, Shaving with Milk and Dancing in Pepsi comes this astounding new book - Cooking With Beer. This essential collection of beer-based bites contains 75 spectacular recipes using a range of beers including instructions for beer sandwiches, beer tacos, beer cakes, beer frittatas and probably some kind of beer beer. I don’t know, I haven't read it, all I know is I wholeheartedly approve of new ways to get myself drunk.

[$13] / [£9.99]
This book, How To Live With A Huge Penis, is often mistakenly purchased by those with an annoying roommate, but no, this epic tome is actually more of a useful guide for those men who are considerably endowed in the trouser department. I myself have a penis so small it's practically inverted, but even I found this book riveting, as it illuminates readers on the unexpected benefits of having a large member, the everyday life of a chap with a chunky chopper, and the oft-ignored persecution blokes with big dicks face on a daily basis. Also it's written by a Doctor and a Reverend, and if there are two professions which know more about penises than medics and the clergy, then I haven't heard of them.

[£2.99]
Is your dog a complete loser who can't even go and sniff another dog's anus without getting all shy? Then why not get that four-legged f****r drunk for some dutch courage! Those pesky animal rights people will have a shit fit if you feed your pooch regular suds, so instead serve them up a bowl of this delicious Bottom Sniffer Dog Beer, containing precisely zero alcohol, zero bubbles and zero fun. Nevertheless, this Dandelion and Burdock flavoured treat will still help your dog feel proud of its body and confident in it's self, allowing it to finally hump that stranger's leg it's always had a crush on.

[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.

[£169.99]
The Nerf N Strike Elite Terrascout Remote Control Drone Blaster has the longest product name since the Gillette Fusion Hyperslice Macho Genocide 9/11 Truth Bonecruncher 9000 Grizzly Urban Power Cock Donkey Punch Razor 2 - The Conjuring. But it's still a pretty nifty little bit of kit for faffing with on Christmas Day. This Nerf-firing drone also films live video of your vicious foam assaults, making them far more accountable than the actual military. There will be no undocumented war crimes here little Timmy, and with all operations including drone movement, camera shots and dart deployment all handled by a single controller, you'll terrorise babies, grandma and small animals with ease. However, the Nerf N Strike Drone can only be purchased at one place, as it's a Toys R Us exclusive…just like Geoffrey's nudes, the massive giraffe pervert.

[$19.95]
Throw away all the tools in your house right now. Have you done that? Good. Now purchase this Ifixit Essential Electronics Toolkit, as it promises to replace 99% of the gadgets you use to repair household electronic items. I probably should've specified that beforehand. Oh well. This handy piece of ass contains a magnetized driver handle, precision tweezers, opening tools, a spudger, and all the screwdriver bits you'll ever need in a lovely portable carrying case. This set should prove especially useful during the short period between breaking your phone and taking it to the repair shop, you know, that time when you convince yourself you can fix your cracked screen using a Youtube tutorial and a Pritt Stick.

[$24.98]
What are your favourite smells? Wet dog. New car. Post Coital Disappointment? Well that's a shame, because Cool Material don't make craft candles that smell of any of those things (yet). But they do make ones that smell of Coffee and Cigarettes, Tobacco Humidor, Barber Shop and Public Library. So if you've ever wanted your home to stink of Nescafe, smokes, hair and old lady urine you're in for a ruddy treat you are. Since they're 16 ounces each these candles will last for approximately "a period of time" and they're made from soy wax, so if you're vegan you can eat them, if you want. I'm honestly not bothered mate. Do what you want with them.

[$425] / [£350]
Did you know there's a 1 Terabyte Playstation 4 Pro out? You do now. And as soon as you've stopped foaming in your pants you'll be even more excited to learn that this particular version supports faster framerates, 4K streaming and a bunch of other things you won't notice while you're telling someone what their mum does with an aubergine behind McDonalds. Available in various console bundles including a Call of Duty Legacy one that nobody will ever buy, the PS4 1TB Pro also comes with a receipt, so you can take it back and trade it in for an xBox One like a not-idiot.