[$460] / [£320]
If you’re anything like me you came away from watching the Deadpool movie thinking “Wow, I wish I was a disfigured Ryan Reynolds in an all-in-one leather suit”. Well now you can get 50% of the way there by purchasing this Deadpool Replica Motorcycle Suit from Etsy. Coming in either full cowhide leather, sheep leather, or cordura and leather, this polyester lined suit is padded like an actual motorcycle suit and perfect for Cosplaying, Gimp Fights, or sobbing alone in your bedroom wishing you were cool. N.B. Sassy one liners and agonising internal tumors not included.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[£8]
If you've ever seen a large concrete structure and thought "christ that is one ugly bastard building", then chances are you've encountered the movement known as Brutalism. Brutalist architecture flourished between the 1950's and 1970's, and some of London's most god-awful examples have been lovingly documented in this, the Blue Crow Map of Brutalist London. So for the worst day out you've ever had in your life, why not pick up a copy and depress yourself beyond tablets with some of the most intimidating architecture England's capital city has to offer.

[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

[€49,580]
The Citroen H Van is an iconic design…apparently. Never f*cking heard of it myself to be honest. But apparently they've made a new one to celebrate its 70th anniversary, which most people honour by buying their partner a platinum dildo. Only 70 of these new H models will be made, so you'd better be quick if you're that bothered about buying one. I should also probably write a joke about them being really good at reversing because they're French, but you know what, I just can't be arsed.

[£4165]
Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles was a kinky little sod who wore leather underpants while chasing adolescent reptiles through raw sewerage. However, the DTV Shredder is decidedly less kinky, but you could definitely use it to run down Donatello in a stream of hot turds...if you wanted. The DTV Shredder is basically a skateboard glued to a tank with a motorcross bike slapped on the front. It goes approximately "proper fast", it is compact enough to fit in the boot of your car, and it will make for an essential piece of kit once the sun is extinguished by perpetual nuclear winter.

[$159] / [£249]
Where would we be without the GOPro camera? The internet would be entirely devoid of lame skater videos, Russians climbing tall shit, and extreme sports jerks attempting to break their spines for a few more views on their vines. That's not a world I want to live in. So thank Jebus himself for the brand new GOPro Hero5, which comes with voice control, one-button recording, noise cancellation and improved water resistance. Capable of shooting 4K video at 30 frames per second, and with added noise cancellation and video stabilisation features, that video of your mate Dave splitting his shin bones clean open has never looked so slick.

[$779.99]
There’s not a human alive who’s hasn’t imagined escaping a horrible situation via a zip-line before. Whether it’s an awkward conversation with the girlfriend over her sister’s photos on your phone, or a boring meeting at the office on a sunny day when your urge to kill is rising; these are occasions where the Sleadd Taurus Zip Line Kit would come in handy. There are various technical specifications which tell you how strong and safe this equipment is, but all you need to know is that its 260 feet long, can be set up in 30 minutes, and will set you back $739.95 to enjoy the kind of action-movie escape scene Batman would approve of.

[$ Dependent on service requested]
Still Googling things yourself like a sucker? Start using Magic, a 24/7 service who will order you anything you like using pre-supplied address and payment info. Their number, 83489, is shorter than the word Google by one letter, saving valuable finger strength for when your partner comes over. Costing just a standard message rate, they’ll order you anything legal; beer, flowers, a hot air balloon, although I’d like to test how good they are and ask for a capuchin monkey in lingerie, which is still technically legal.

[$50.59] / [£29.99]
The Mouse Taxidermy Kit contains everything you need to skin, prepare, preserve, mount and position a mouse in under 4 hours! Just follow the illustrated guide and create a one of a kind stuffed mouse, the best part surly is when you get to pose him however you want? Back flipping, smoking a pipe, riding a model railway train swinging a lasso round his head! No? All you need now is a little critter to work on.