[$40]
Have you ever looked at a spoon and thought…I wish I could eat that? No me neither, but I am constantly wondering how I can somehow consume more calories with less effort. Thankfully this Edible Spoon Maker solves both problems! The machine works like a waffle maker, allowing you to slop in any kind of dough you want and form an edible spoon in mere minutes. If only there was some kind of machine that made plates out of gravy, then we’d get to eat all our dinnerware and never need do dishes again. Quit dicking around trying to cure cancer scientists and get on this!

[$27.49] / [£14.99]
Oh look, some bloke off the internet has released a cookery book. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED RIGHT NOW. Action Bronson, who is a man I've never heard of, apparently does raps and things when he's not making cookery books. F*ck, That's Delicious is the result of him being sent around the world to eat stuff, write down what was in that stuff, and sell someone else's recipes to you, the hungry consumer. Lovely. It's got 40 pages. That's a lot isn't it?

[$24.47] / [£19.17]
America loves nothing more than to cook the innocent corpses of foreign citizens via yet another successful freedom bombing. But sometimes they like to cook food too, as you'll see in this 800-recipe tome called America: The Cookbook. As well as a bunch of food instructions, you'll also find 50 essays written about the cuisine of every American state. You won't read them, but they're there. Go Murica!

[$54.95] / [£69.99]
Are your family morbidly obese? Do you have a crack habit? Maybe you just spend too much time on your phone. These Time Locking Kitchen Containers can solve all your addictions with their programmable lids that can be set to lock for up to ten days. Throw your vice into the box and hey presto, you are cured. Note; this product is unsuitable for chronic masturbators or those with a hamster fetish. Ah who am I kidding, knock yourselves out.

[£30]
Some people have artistic coffee table books, some have books filled with stunning photography, but this, this is a book full of ice creams. If you’ve ever looked at a 99 and thought phwoar, I want 99 pictures of ice creams in different sexy poses then tough. But if you want to see a middle aged man faffing about on the seaside with ice creams, 99 times, then buy this book. Coming in at 224 pages containing 198 photographs of 99 ice creams and 99 places that sell ice creams, you can gaze upon the different cones, the slight variations in cream whip, and the pikey looking folk who failed in school and ended up selling ice creams. £30 will buy you the book, and £40 will get you the book complete with the autograph of a completely irrelevant man on it. Ooh, tempted aren’t you.

[$35]
Unless you’re a professional jar-lid remover or handshake Jedi, you won’t have very strong wrists. Most people don’t, and this makes scooping out hard ice-cream really really hard. I’ve broken down and cried all the liquid out of my face trying to carve out a single chunk of pudding fresh from the freezer. Now we can all stop crying and eat more ice-cream with the life-saving Midnight Scoop. This precision engineered ergonomically designed tool enables you to push through hard ice-cream with minimal effort due to its specially curved handle. Are you a zombie? It’d probably work on frozen human brains too. Hot forged from solid 6061 Aluminium with industrial strength coatings, the Midnight Scoop is purchasable through Michael Chou’s Kickstarter page. It comes in various colours and quantities depending on how much you pledge, and delivery is expected before Christmas 2014.

[$12.99] / [£32.99]
If you don't want anyone else stealing you Ben & Jerry's or maybe you're on a diet? Either way the Euphori-Lock will safe guard you pint of precious ice cream.