[$22.09] / [£16.99]
If you were hoping for a book where people put their penises into ground meat then you'll be sorely disappointed in the Pornburger Recipe Book, as there's not a single quarter pounder creampie or whipped patty bukkake to be seen. However, what you will find in here is 300 plus pages of delicious burger-based recipes courtesy of self-described burger nonce Mathew Ramsey. I suppose you could just draw boobs on the burgers if you're desperate.

[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$45]
Who needs stupid electricity anyway? That's what I always say. Because of electricity we can't take toasters in baths, we have to run away when lightning happens, and we've lost some of the world's most enchanting serial killers. I hate electricity so much. So I'm really glad that this Jollylook Cardboard Vintage Camera eschews the use of power and allows you to take photographs using nothing more than cardboard and some holes. It works using Instax film and its body is entirely comprised of recycled materials, so as well as taking pictures you can be a right smug prick about it too.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

[$13.09] / [£9.99]
How long would you be willing to wait for a coffee? A minute? Five minutes? Several f**king months? If it's the latter then great, you should buy this Coffee to Grow kit and find something to do for the best part of a year. Containing one massive Arabica Nana bean and a bunch of biodegradeable shite, after a few months you can wazz this cup in the ground and voila, out will come a coffee plant. Now all you need is a cow for the milk. Good luck growing that out of a mug you daft arse.

[$199.95]
Smoke inhalation is literally my favourite thing about fire. I love breathing in huge gulps of the stuff and passing out for fun. If you don't share my passion for slow, gradual asphyxiation, then the Biolite Smokeless Firepit is probably something you should buy. Using a revolutionary technology called “something I was too lazy to read about”, the Biolite Firepit can act as a cooker, heat source or evidence destroyer; and all without producing a single plume of smoke. Oh, also you can watch your fire develop through a little screen...if you're into that.

[$499]
The Cubioo Laser Engraver is the most compact laser engraver in the world...until someone makes a smaller one, or they put this one into a trash compactor. Capable of engraving designs into paper, wood, leather and human flesh, the Cubioo is ideal for personalising keychains and small pets alike. The Cubioo's laser is so powerful it could even cut through the moon, as well as fabric, felt and cardboard. So what are you waiting for you non-engraving idiot? Get one of these and start burning your name into stuff!

[$19.99]
Still buying pre-made neon signs like an idiot? What are you, some kind of idiot? This Customisable Neon Sign is where the fun's at. Consisting of three metres of neon cable and one metre of fixing wire, you can write literally anything you want out of this stuff. I mean, Arabic might be tricky. Chinese too. But you could at least spell out some pretty neat swear words. That's something, right?

[$26.29] / [£15.99]
Ever wondered what it would be like to be Willy Wonka in real life?! Now's your chance, easily make your own bubble gum at home in just half an hour. You can even add your own flavours and colourings and mould it into any shape you want!