[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$89.97]
As summer approaches the last thing you want to drink is a massive hot mug of steaming coffee, because that'll make you sweat all the water out of your god damn body. But if you're still hankering for an injection of caffeine you could drink a glass of coke like a non-idiot, or you could use the My Dutch Cold Coffee Brew Maker to create a delicious glass of cold brew coffee. Using an innovative clean cold water drip method the My Dutch extracts new flavours from coffee which you wouldn't get from hot brewing, and comes in both 350ml and 550ml varieties, so there.

[$19.95]
Do you want to get trashed in your living room but you're sick of using your hands to hold beer like a sucker? Then the

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Too much of a pussy to drink coffee? Try this Wake The F*ck Up Tea then, you absolute nancy. Containing enough leaves for 50 cups (100 if you're a trog), this delightful blend of black tea comes infused with ginger and other natural flavours. Unlike coffee it won't make you shit yourself five minutes after drinking, but just like coffee it will wake you the f*ck up.

[$64.99] / [£59.79]
The Stanley Classic Vacuum French Press is capable of 48 ounces of coffee hot for four hours. Or, alternatively, you can keep it cold for nine hours, iced for 24 hours, and mildly tepid for a period of time somewhere in between. Its stainless steel body means it won't rust, and its ergonomic handle means its f**king easy as s**t to pour. But what the specifications don't tell you is whether it's suitable for storing human blood at room temperature. I have a very specific diet, and if my precious life-claret is too warm it curdles into a weird man-jam and ruins my day.

[$13.09] / [£9.99]
How long would you be willing to wait for a coffee? A minute? Five minutes? Several f**king months? If it's the latter then great, you should buy this Coffee to Grow kit and find something to do for the best part of a year. Containing one massive Arabica Nana bean and a bunch of biodegradeable shite, after a few months you can wazz this cup in the ground and voila, out will come a coffee plant. Now all you need is a cow for the milk. Good luck growing that out of a mug you daft arse.

[$72.59] / [£49.99]
Since the last of the chain coffee shops was made extinct in 2009, it’s been tough for everyday folks to get decent coffee on the go. Thankfully the Minipresso Portable Espresso Maker is here to save the day and wake up the nation. I don’t know which nation…Botswana? Yeah why the fuck not. This sleek and slender device fits in your pocket and brews you a lovely coffee using your own hand-pump action. Pretty nifty right? So whether you’re up a mountain, trapped in a sex dungeon, or in Starbucks toilets screwing the system, you can have a wonderful cup of joe on the go. Now go away while I pump myself a hot one.

[$249]
Showers are the most inefficient way to clean yourself, but do the women whose bathrooms I keep hiding in appreciate this advice? No. So maybe now the Nebia Shower has been invented they’ll listen instead of calling the cops and bashing me over the head with scented soaps. The Nebia uses 70% less water than regular showers, but still removes just as much people-stink. They work by atomising the water, enveloping you in a fine mist. The Kickstarter is currently sold out, but if you don’t want to wait you can order the $10,000 package and receive forty shower heads. You’ll need to take 33 times as many showers to make it worth your money, but that sounds like fun, doesn’t it ladies?