[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$139] / [£96.90]
Ever wanted to spy on your neighbours at night from the comfort of your own bush? Of course you have, and now with the Snooperscope perving on strangers is easier than ever. The Snooperscope is a portable wireless gadget that uses your smartphone or tablet as a screen and the infrared light as a source to enable you to see in low light and total darkness. Suitable for iPhone, iPad, Android smartphones and tablets, you could use this to watch animals if you wanted, but most of you will probably use it for dogging.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Ever since I played Super Mario Bros as a kid I've spent at least 80% of my life punching bricks in the hope that coins will one day emerge. My fists are now nothing more than a bloody pulp, but I could've avoided all this tragic mess if I'd simply bought this Question Block Light. Look, it's exactly like the one in the game! How cool and copyright infringey is that? Powered by USB or batteries the block also emits a little ping noise if you press it, but if you kick the fucker out of a window it makes no noise whatsoever. What a jip.

[$699.95] / [£461.65]
If I could live in a cave I would, because with a single entrance and exit point it means I've only got to look in one direction to check my house for monsters. But a neat second-best is the Heimplanet Inflatable Cave Tent, whose revolutionary design allows you to pump up a temporary abode in less than a minute. It's also made from high-quality durable materials, which is good, as getting a puncture in your tent at Glastonbury would be a right pain in the arse. The Heimplanet Cave Tent seats five people in the main chamber and sleeps…well…as many as you're comfortable with. Depends how chummy you wanna get.

[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

[$79.97] / [£60]
I often get so drunk I forget where my feet are, so these Light-up LED shoes are perfect for me. They’re perfect for you too, if you’re the kind of person who wants to look like they’ve stood in radioactive dog shit. Each shoe has seven static colours and five flashy colour modes in case you didn’t think bright purple glowing sneakers were enough. They’re available in men’s and women’s versions, charged via USB, and are the perfect footwear for raves or disco-funerals.

[$49] / [£32.21]
The only way you’d glow brighter than Neon Nightlife’s collection of LED accessories is by rolling around in a Fukushima hot tub. Sunglasses, bike lights, masks, ice cubes, boots and caps are just a few of the illuminated items for sale here. They come with tiny battery packs to keep you glowing throughout raves, night-time park trips, or the funkiest god damn funeral you’ve ever been to.

[$20.39] / [£12.99]
When I look at this plastic, battery powered Banana Night Light I automatically think “Light-up Dildo”. Now that’s out of the way let’s consider what else you could use it for. Carry it with you to the toilet when you take a midnight shit, for yes, it is portable. Use it to find other bananas you’ve stored in your bedroom. Leave it in Walmart to make the late shift staff think it’s a banana ghost. The possibilities are probably not endless, but still. I like it.

[$17.39] >
All hail the sun lord, for he is the giver of all things, such as life to nature, heat to humanity, and a sweet set of tanned ass-cheeks to ladies everywhere. You know what else the sun is good for? Charging these Solar Powered Light Up Bricks. These sturdy swines will stand up to rain, water, feet, cat-shit, tornadoes and lava. Well maybe not the last two. But still, these heavy glass long-lasting brick lights.

[$13.47] / [£12.46]
There are often things I want to look at on my laptop in the dark. Sometimes I want to write nasty things about my dirty uncle, other time I want to look at naked orang-utans flinging muck at each other. If you like to look at stuff on your laptop in the dark, but your fingers do a massive wrong-plop all over your keyboard because you can’t see, then you need a Spaceman USB Light. This handy little fellow plugs into your USB port and lights up your laptop and your life with his LED light, handily hidden behind a closeable visor for when you need a little bit of secrecy. The cable can flex to adjust the spaceman’s position, allowing you to see anything you like around your laptop, be it your keyboard, your winky, or your cup of tea when half a digestive has fallen inside.