[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$5.49] / [£1.99]
Those lucky enough to be born in America’s Deep South or in an isolated British village won’t need these Silicone Swimming Fingers, as your hands and feet are probably webbed already you genetically astonishing freak. However, if your parents weren’t brother and sister then these nifty fish-mits might come in handy the next time you’re swimming away from sharks. Coming in small, medium and large, these swimming fingers are lightweight and small enough to allow your hands extra flexibility – thus enabling you to strangle sea creatures at your leisure and then make a swift getaway. Neato.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$149.99] / [£79]
Despite resembling a double-edged dildo the Powerbreather is actually a pretty nifty piece of kit. Many people love to swim, but as soon as they drop below the ocean depths they are suddenly hit with the realisation that breathing water is bad for you. If you hate drowning as much as I do then it makes sense to buy one of these pimped out snorkels, as they come with two adjustable breathing tubes for double the oxygen action. Each tube also has a valve to reduce carbon dioxide intake, so this thing might come in handy whilst riding the office lift with Andy from accounts and his burrito breath.

[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$99.99] / [£89.99]
The Wonderboom Wireless Speaker by Ultimate Ears is small, loud and waterproof. It's like Danny DeVito, except you'll never see it burst out naked from inside a leather couch. Because it uses Bluetooth it's compatible with pretty much any music jiggy on the market, and if you have two of these things you can even pair them up for DOUBLE SOUND. Or you can drive everyone mental by playing Rammstein from one and Justin Bieber from the other. Yes, do that.

[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

[$12,000]
Too lazy or fat to surf? Then try the Lift eFoil Motorised Hydrofoil; it's like a surfboard, but for people who can't be arsed. These eFoils allow you to spack about on the waves for one whole hour at a top speed of 15 mph. Your direction and velocity is controlled by a wireless hand controller you'll probably lose after about a minute. And with a silent electric motor propelling you across the ocean, you'll be free to hear the shouts of “sea-wanker” which inevitably come your way.

[$58,000]
Finally, Donald Trump can go golfing in Puerto Rico. This Hovercraft Golf Cart glides over sand traps and water hazards with ease, and to be honest it would probably clear a small man if you weren't bothered about the consequences. With a top speed of 45mph forwards and 25 mph backwards, this vehicle is capable of whisking you away from tragedy and back onto hole nine in the time it takes to criticise a nation's relief efforts.