[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$18.39] / [£12.99]
The definition of Netflix and Chill is to invite someone over to have sex under the premise of watching TV. The definition of Netflix and Grill is to involve grilled objects in this equation, which may or may not already be part of your sex life depending on what you’re into. Coming in both vegan and delicious animal varieties, these pan-packed ready meals can be thrown straight under the grill and your food will be done in the time it takes to get bored of Orange is the New Black – 8 minutes. This service isn’t available everywhere yet so don’t get too excited, but you’ll know when it’s come to your area as it will be marked by a sudden surge of lazy fat bastards getting heart attacks.

[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.

[$84]
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.

[$15,250]
Justin Timberleaf is my favourite music song guy, and now the clever sod has gone and made a camping trailer to! The Timberleaf Camping Trailer is easily towed by most passenger vehicles and provides a lovely warm place to sleep when you're out camping in the woods stalking your ex-girlfriend. Weighing at under 1,200 pounds, or half a Rosie O'Donnell, the Timberleaf comes equipped with a queen mattress, generous storage space, and a washing station. You know, to wash your lovely portion in.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[£1,745]
If sitting on the Manet Easy Chair doesn't give you piles then I don't know what will. I mean, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a giant punnet of lipsticks. Why would you want to sit on that? If you do, then I suppose you'll probably want to know this chair is available in “a bunch” of colours, uses washable and removable covers, and it costs about two grand. I reckon I could knock one of these up for you in about five minutes for a tenner though. But it's up to you.

[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

[€50]
Doing a jigsaw is a lot like putting a human body back together; first you must find all the parts, look at a picture for guidance, and the whole thing can be ruined when one bit goes missing. This Fractal Jigsaw takes that last part way too far though, because when each piece is put in place it looks like it's disappeared. Described as a "proper hard bastard" by Stephen Hawking, you'll chew your own lips off with rage before completing this pain the ass puzzle.

[$10.97] / [£2.99]
Drinking large amounts of alcohol is a fun hobby with zero known consequences. The only downside is that when you're sinking suds from a big-ass tankard, the rim of your glass stops you looking at stuff. Whether it's the TV, a nude human or a cool explosion, the act of drinking beer will obscure your view. But no more, thanks to this TV Compatible Beer Glass. Made out of plastic, this container's sloped rim ensures you'll never miss another naked mudwrestling match due to beer ever again.

[$20]
Oh hey look, another piece of crazy weird sh*t from Japan. What a surprise. This Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager is a bizarre item which you're apparently supposed to use to gently massage your feet, hands, back or neck. Using skin suction treatment, the silicone mit apparently helps blood circulation by sucking up your skin like a shiatsu massage. Seems a bit freaky to me. I'd rather stick with my trusty old vacuum cleaner smeared with fish for an identical but cheaper experience.