[£25]
We all like Christmas jumpers, and by like I mean put up with. So how could we possibly make them even better? By making NBA themed ones that’s how. If my gran was a baller, and I’m by no means suggesting that she isn’t, she’d love this range of UGLY NBA Christmas merchandise. So far they only sell jumpers and socks, and I’ve no idea what they’re made of. The website doesn’t say. If I was to guess, I’d say elephant pube wool. I could be wrong. Just buy one and see for yourself instead of pestering me. I’ve got a game of HORSE to finish and my gran is kicking my ass.

[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$50] / [£49.99]
Tannus Tyres have developed cutting edge polymer technology to create solid state tyres which cannot puncture or deflate. Much like my sister after too much booze, they utilise a unique foaming process to create these tyres, whichclosely match premium city bike tyres in the way they handle. They’re also much lighter and come in a range of pretty colours. You know what this means? We can now throw all our broken glass, tacks, and razor blades into the path of any oncoming cyclist. If their tyres burst and they collapse into a crumpled heap, well it’s not your fault if they’re behind the times.

[$5.49] / [£1.99]
Those lucky enough to be born in America’s Deep South or in an isolated British village won’t need these Silicone Swimming Fingers, as your hands and feet are probably webbed already you genetically astonishing freak. However, if your parents weren’t brother and sister then these nifty fish-mits might come in handy the next time you’re swimming away from sharks. Coming in small, medium and large, these swimming fingers are lightweight and small enough to allow your hands extra flexibility – thus enabling you to strangle sea creatures at your leisure and then make a swift getaway. Neato.

[$499]
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[$149.99] / [£79]
Despite resembling a double-edged dildo the Powerbreather is actually a pretty nifty piece of kit. Many people love to swim, but as soon as they drop below the ocean depths they are suddenly hit with the realisation that breathing water is bad for you. If you hate drowning as much as I do then it makes sense to buy one of these pimped out snorkels, as they come with two adjustable breathing tubes for double the oxygen action. Each tube also has a valve to reduce carbon dioxide intake, so this thing might come in handy whilst riding the office lift with Andy from accounts and his burrito breath.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$130] / [£99.95]
In December 2015 Adidas released the magical NMD shoe, which I believe stands for "No More Dads". After selling out on its first run this life-changing piece of footwear is back in stock in a range of new colourways including black with red and blue on it, black with a bit of blue on it, pink with a bit of white on it, and entirely white with a bit of brown on it - but that's an exclusive custom line only available if you step in dog shit.

[$159]
Try to fold up a regular skateboard and it'll probably just crack and you'll look like a dummy. But if you were to try folding up the Boardup Fold-up Skateboard it wouldn't, which is good, as I believe that is the point of it. Locking sturdily in place when you're skating and easily folded away when you're not, the Boardup is also the world's first self-folding longboard. You don't even have to do the folding yourself! Saving you literally tens of seconds, which you can now use to scrape your knees outside a bus station and remember Smashmouth lyrics. Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years…