[$5.49] / [£1.99]
Those lucky enough to be born in America’s Deep South or in an isolated British village won’t need these Silicone Swimming Fingers, as your hands and feet are probably webbed already you genetically astonishing freak. However, if your parents weren’t brother and sister then these nifty fish-mits might come in handy the next time you’re swimming away from sharks. Coming in small, medium and large, these swimming fingers are lightweight and small enough to allow your hands extra flexibility – thus enabling you to strangle sea creatures at your leisure and then make a swift getaway. Neato.

[$3,499.99]
Ever looked at your kids playing in the ocean and thought, “hmm, they look far too safe”? Me too! Which is why I force my children to jump on this Giant Floating Trampoline! This 20 foot beast requires 10ft of water to be safely used, but who cares about “safety guidelines” these days. Just haul it into international waters where safety guidelines don’t count and voila, no more lawsuits. And with the 124 square feet of jump surface you can fit the whole family on board this Giant Floating Trampoline and bounce yourself into aquatic oblivion.

[$149.99] / [£79]
Despite resembling a double-edged dildo the Powerbreather is actually a pretty nifty piece of kit. Many people love to swim, but as soon as they drop below the ocean depths they are suddenly hit with the realisation that breathing water is bad for you. If you hate drowning as much as I do then it makes sense to buy one of these pimped out snorkels, as they come with two adjustable breathing tubes for double the oxygen action. Each tube also has a valve to reduce carbon dioxide intake, so this thing might come in handy whilst riding the office lift with Andy from accounts and his burrito breath.

[$229]
I taught my twin brother to breathe underwater when we were just five years old. And by taught, I mean convinced, and now I'm an only child. But if dear old Kenny had owned one of these Scorkl Handheld Scuba Tanks he'd have lived a long and fulfilling life, because these magic bastards let you actually breathe underwater like Aquaman or Steve Irwin's ghost. Each canister can be filled with delicious O2 via the accompanying hand pump, and once it's attached to your gob you've got ten minutes of air before you suffer the most agonising death known to man.

[$12,000]
Too lazy or fat to surf? Then try the Lift eFoil Motorised Hydrofoil; it's like a surfboard, but for people who can't be arsed. These eFoils allow you to spack about on the waves for one whole hour at a top speed of 15 mph. Your direction and velocity is controlled by a wireless hand controller you'll probably lose after about a minute. And with a silent electric motor propelling you across the ocean, you'll be free to hear the shouts of “sea-wanker” which inevitably come your way.

[$4,900]
Ever pissed yourself in a tuxedo? Me too. Expensive isn't it? You'd be better off messing yourself in this Wetsuit Tuxedo by Thom Browne. Then nobody will ever know. Or you could use this to pretend you're a spy coming out of the water. But with your flabby body, I doubt anyone would believe you. Despite looking like a two-piece, this Wetsuit Tuxedo is actually an all-in-one neoprene affair complete with large back zipper. You know, for when you need to get out of it after you've wet yourself.

[$19,900]
Would you spend $20,000 to swim inside a shipping container? Me neither. But apparently some idiots would, otherwise this mental Australian company wouldn't be selling these Shipping Container Swimming Pools. There are two versions available of these glorified trash cans, with their only difference being an extra 6 metres in length and a further ten grand on the price. If you're tempted to buy one of these monstrosities I suggest you do what I do whenever I'm feeling frisky. Go sort yourself out by having a bath or jumping in a garbage bin full of rainwater, and then ask yourself if it's still a good idea.

[$119+]
I love wrestling with my family. I especially enjoy it when we do it in food, with my personal preference being piping hot gravy, it makes my dad taste real nice. Equally good to wrestle in is Jello, which you can now buy from Jello Wrestling Supplies. Each package they sell can make 100 gallons of jello, which is enough to create a whole summer of slippery misunderstandings. Coming in orange, red and green, the jello is biodegradable, non-staining and non-toxic. It isn’t supposed to be eaten, as I imagine it tastes of nothing, but if you swallow some you won’t die. Strangely those are the same words I said to my first girlfriend. She’s dead now. Here’s a thought, buy a load of whipped cream and cake to throw into the mix. Trifle wrestling? My god, I’m a genius.

[$90 AUD]
We showed you some other cool swimsuits from Black Milk in 2011, they are still producing awesome eye catching designs, like the 'Dem Guts' swimsuit showing you what you would look like without any skin! You will definitely stand out at the pool and beach!