[$199.99]
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!

[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$63.45] / [£53.33]
If you own a Mac then you’ll know they’re as delicate as a dandelion, as weak as a kitten, as fragile as a child with no immune system in a playground full of sneezing jerks. So why not buy this outstandingly durable Military Grade Macbook Cover? Designed for the 12inch Macbook, this military tested armor shell is what tough army guys use to protect their Macs when they’re chatting online to their family shortly before a devastating explosion. So you know they’re good. They also come in clear and smoke grey…just like an ejaculating robot.

[$35,000]
This is the Model 3, Tesla’s latest fancypants electric car. If you’ve got $35,000 to lay down on a set of wheels then most sensible people would just by a $5000 car and fill it with 30 grand’s worth of hookers. But if for some reason that idea sounds distasteful to you then by all means, buy a Tesla Model 3. They can run for 215 miles without charge, go from 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds, come with autopilot hardware, and can seat five adults. But then again, so can my friend Honey, and she only costs $400 for the night.

[$19.95]
There are some very specific problems in this modern world of ours. Some are annoying, such as terrorism or gluten intolerance. But others are downright tragic, such as the inability to charge your phone when there’s a sofa in the way. Thankfully we’ll never see another tragic dead iPhone splashed across the front pages of the newspapers ever again thanks to the Blockhead Side Facing Apple Charger. It works with every iPad and every Macbook, unlike anything else ever invented ever.

[$499]
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.

[$26] / [£19.99]
Has anyone ever asked you to project whatever shite you're watching on your phone onto a wall, so they and everyone around you can bask in its glory? No, me neither. But if you have experienced this unlikely scenario then you'll need this Smartphone Projector 2.0, as its capable of turning Youtube vids, streamed content and homemade phone porn into a cinematic viewing experience. Available in both a black / gold or copper design, this bastard will work straight out of the box with both the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6s. Does it work with any other phones? I do not know. Why not buy it and find out for yourself you lazy git.

[$59.95]
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.

[$1030]
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.

[$86.79] / [£69.99]
Wish you could use different lenses with the iPhone to take ever more elaborate pictures of your ugly wife, disappointing kids and bland, tasteless meals? Great. Then you'll probably want this Olloclip set of iPhone lenses won't you, you fatuitous prick. Apparently these lenses have similar perspectives to DSLR cameras, but I don't care. They also include fish-eye, super wide 120 degree view, and some other bobbins too, but I don't care about that either. Look, if you're going buy this stuff will you just do it and leave me alone? Thank you.

[$19.95]
Throw away all the tools in your house right now. Have you done that? Good. Now purchase this Ifixit Essential Electronics Toolkit, as it promises to replace 99% of the gadgets you use to repair household electronic items. I probably should've specified that beforehand. Oh well. This handy piece of ass contains a magnetized driver handle, precision tweezers, opening tools, a spudger, and all the screwdriver bits you'll ever need in a lovely portable carrying case. This set should prove especially useful during the short period between breaking your phone and taking it to the repair shop, you know, that time when you convince yourself you can fix your cracked screen using a Youtube tutorial and a Pritt Stick.