[$139] / [£96.90]
Ever wanted to spy on your neighbours at night from the comfort of your own bush? Of course you have, and now with the Snooperscope perving on strangers is easier than ever. The Snooperscope is a portable wireless gadget that uses your smartphone or tablet as a screen and the infrared light as a source to enable you to see in low light and total darkness. Suitable for iPhone, iPad, Android smartphones and tablets, you could use this to watch animals if you wanted, but most of you will probably use it for dogging.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$64.99] / [£59.79]
The Stanley Classic Vacuum French Press is capable of 48 ounces of coffee hot for four hours. Or, alternatively, you can keep it cold for nine hours, iced for 24 hours, and mildly tepid for a period of time somewhere in between. Its stainless steel body means it won't rust, and its ergonomic handle means its f**king easy as s**t to pour. But what the specifications don't tell you is whether it's suitable for storing human blood at room temperature. I have a very specific diet, and if my precious life-claret is too warm it curdles into a weird man-jam and ruins my day.

[$19.99] / [£5.99]
Is your phone on fire right now? How do you know for sure? Is there smoke? Are there flames? You've no idea have you, you hapless fool. Thankfully, this Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case is capable of alerting you to the presence of heat on your phone while simultaneously protecting it. You could even throw your phone into the sun and it would still survive, probably.

[$12]
There’s no classy way to advertise this product, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. If you want to find traces of spunk, spooge, tears, blood, mucus, shit, or any other bodily fluids the Luminol Crime Scene Spray is the tool for you. A perfect valentines gift for your jizzy beloved, Luminol contains highly reactive reagents which can detect spillages even after they’ve been wiped up. I used this spray at your Grandma’s house. The resulting glow left me blind.

[$199]
Have you ever wanted to see in the dark? Are there things you get up to at night that would look more amazing if you could see them through thermal imaging? Then why the hell haven’t you bought one of these yet? The Seek Thermal Camera enables you to adapt your smartphone (see site for compatibility) to see infrared light in darkness or the daytime. You could eat a billion carrots and not come close to being able to see this level of light detail. The website suggests possible uses as detecting a clogged pipe, tracking dog’s footprints and finding someone in a barn. Come off it, I’d use it for the following: Watching someone wee in a pool. Writing profanities with hot water. Seeing if farts show up. Checking if my coffee is cool enough to drink. How warm is my groin after a cat sat on it. There are tonnes of uses for this gadget, 99% of them hilarious.