[$14.70] / [£10.24]
Unfortunately if you came here looking for a way you could pay to stamp on Nicolas Cage’s face we can’t help you, although if we’re honest his career has gone so shit so quickly he’d probably let you do it for free just to lick the gum off your shoe. This Nicolas Cage Face Stamp is of the inky variety, and I’m going to assume you know how a stamp works so let’s not concern ourselves with that. This is made from wood and rubber, just like Nicolas Cage’s face. That doesn’t make any sense. Leave me alone.

[$229]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!

[$13] / [£9.99]
This book, How To Live With A Huge Penis, is often mistakenly purchased by those with an annoying roommate, but no, this epic tome is actually more of a useful guide for those men who are considerably endowed in the trouser department. I myself have a penis so small it's practically inverted, but even I found this book riveting, as it illuminates readers on the unexpected benefits of having a large member, the everyday life of a chap with a chunky chopper, and the oft-ignored persecution blokes with big dicks face on a daily basis. Also it's written by a Doctor and a Reverend, and if there are two professions which know more about penises than medics and the clergy, then I haven't heard of them.

[$24.98]
What are your favourite smells? Wet dog. New car. Post Coital Disappointment? Well that's a shame, because Cool Material don't make craft candles that smell of any of those things (yet). But they do make ones that smell of Coffee and Cigarettes, Tobacco Humidor, Barber Shop and Public Library. So if you've ever wanted your home to stink of Nescafe, smokes, hair and old lady urine you're in for a ruddy treat you are. Since they're 16 ounces each these candles will last for approximately "a period of time" and they're made from soy wax, so if you're vegan you can eat them, if you want. I'm honestly not bothered mate. Do what you want with them.

[$25] / [£20]
Rice is a harsh mistress, and if you wish to enjoy her pleasures you have but two options. First, you can take half an hour to boil the little grainy pricks, but there's a risk you'll forget about the pan and end up with a gloopy burnt spaff. Or, if you're brave, you can try one of those nasty two-minute microwave dealies that probably give you cancer after the first bite. But now there's a third option; the Joseph Joseph Rice Cooker. Just sling your rice into this bowl, pop in some water, chuck the whole thing into the microwave and you'll be greeted with delicious cooked rice in under five minutes. Even Donald Trump's hookers can't produce something hot and steamy in that time!

[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.

[$354]
Guns are cool, everyone knows that. You can and must shoot anyone and everyone if you own a gun, because otherwise they might take it off you. But sometimes when you and your gun are chillaxing at the gentleman's spa, you don't want to go murdering anyone, you merely want to give them a warning with a large metal cylinder fired gently at their face. So let's introduce the Can Cannon Soda Can Launcher, which is a gas-ported barrel that allows you to adapt your AR-15 or M16 rifle into something slightly less lethal. Capable of spaffing off 12oz and 16oz cans an average of 105 yards; you can also shoot tennis balls, nets, small rodents and a harpoon if you're proper mental.

[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.

[$174.99]
The Wall-Mounted Kindling Splitter could easily be used to execute a beloved family pet that was on it's on its last legs, but when I inquired if this was possible I was told it's "not in the spirit of the product". Apparently, you're only supposed to use this contraption for splitting kindling wood and not the brutal slaying of small animals. Spoilsports. Anyway, you can attach this thing to a wall with ease, and since its made of Swedish cast iron it should last you for years. But will you ever feel as manly as you do chopping kindling outside with an axe in an ugly check shirt? No. No you will not.

[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books we had as kids? They always ended up taking you on a magical journey through enchanted kingdoms, haunted houses and futuristic spaceships. Man they were good. But has anyone ever made one where instead of all that, you got taken in by a brutal cult and molested with a cucumber? They have now, with this book that answers the question "Which Cult Shall I Join?" Scientologist? Mormon? Worshipper of the Devil's Colon? Find out which cult you should join today.

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.