[$42.98]
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?

[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

[$149]
Not enough stuff does enough stuff for my liking. My shoes don't tell me the time, I can't take a dump in my sofa, and my toaster won't have sex with me despite years of flirting. The volterman smart wallet is an exception, though, as this saucy little cash holder will also charge your phone, provide a wi-fi hotspot, alert you using bluetooth and it even lets you track the bastard using gps technology. And if that wasn't enough for you you greedy bastard, the volterman also comes with a memory card, RFID protection and a thief detection camera. I have my own thief detection camera though. It's called my sight. It goes well with my thief repellant tool. It's called a knife.

[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.

[$9] / [£6]
The Headgehog is a multi-purpose comb shaped like a hedgehog that fits neatly into your wallet. It is much more practical than carrying around an actual hedgehog, for reasons I shall now demonstrate. Firstly, combing your hair with a hedgehog is traumatic for both parties and can lead to mites, whereas the headgehog is a lovely and clean Stainless Steel hair-fixer thing. The Headgehog also contains a bottle opener, phillips screwdriver and a wrench. If you use a hedgehog’s mouth or anus to open bottles and bolts, you’ll have a dead hedgehog and a load of mess to clean up. With the addition of a money clip, chip clip and phone stand, the Headgehog beats the hedgehog hands down as a multi-purpose must-have wallet accessory, relegating the hedgehog into the category of roadkill slash occasional tennis ball.

[$45]
Are you annoyed about your huge bulging wallet ruining your silhouette when you pose in tight hotpants or shorts? I know I am. I could earn less money and I could wear clothes that weren’t so tight on my sweet cheeks, but that’s just not going to happen. Instead I’ll just buy the Billetus Carbon Fibre Wallet, a super compact stylish wallet made from aircraft grade aluminium. Coming in at 8.5mm thick for the minimus and 9.5mm for a maximus, they are the same thickness as an iPhone 4s, or seventy four wasps squashed into the shape of an iPhone 4s. There are various pricings available on the Billetus Kickstarter page for both the minimus, which holds five cards plus cash, and the maximus, which holds seven plus cash. It also boasts it will keep your business cards in pristine condition, so you can hand out contact details for your erotic animal boutique to strangers without them being all crinkly and junk. Order now to receive yours just after xmas, making it the perfect gift for people you don’t love enough to get them a present on time

[$10.93] / [£8.99]
A credit carded sized razor which is thin enough to put in your wallet. The Carzor credit card pocket razor also comes with a mirror and TWO spare blades, that is quite some feat considering it FITS IN YOUR WALLET! Wow.