[$59.95]
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.

[$FREE]
If our grandparents knew that one day we'd 3D print a device to help us drink sugary water while playing 18 hours of video games, they'd have not bothered fighting any wars and probably shot themselves instead. This Nintendo Switch Joy Con Drink Holder is the pinnacle of human laziness, as not only does it allow you to play your Switch and drink at the same time, but you don't even have to get up to buy it. All the files you need to 3D print this bitch are available online. And if you haven't got a 3D printer, just put some concrete in your regular printer. I'm sure it'll work.

[$150+]
Multifunction items are great. My toaster is also a fleshlight. The hamster cage doubles up as a blender. And my son is a bespoke reactive punchbag. In this vein comes the Leatherman Tool Bracelet. Their slogan “You don’t have to be a tool to wear one, but you are and also an idiot” hasn’t gone live yet, but it will. This high strength corrosion resistant stainless steel bracelet contains 25 different tools, including hex wrenches, a can opener, screwdrivers and a pulsating Ion cannon. Oh wait, they took that off. There are plans to add a Swiss made timepiece in the coming year, which also makes it a watch. Isn’t that nice. Although a chainsaw would be better.

[$49.99] / [£32]
These days nobody has the time of day for anyone, we’re all rushing about going to our Miley Cyrus orgies and our Animal Hospital themed barbecue slaloms. Wouldn’t it be great if we could go back in time and re-do all the things we always wanted? Well now you can’t. Tough. But you can pretend with this Back To The Future Flux Capacitor Wristwatch. Modeled on Doc Brown’s flux capacitor design, this watch will do three things. 1.) Tell you the time. 2.) Tell you the date. 3.) Piss you off. Basically you press a button and have to count some lights to figure out the time, so in a way it is a time machine because in the time it takes you to figure out the time, it’s not that time anymore, it’s the future time. If you press some other button it gives you a random time and date as if you actually time-traveled, enabling those of you with severe brain damage to finally use your imagination and play the timeless children’s game “Time Travelling Wanker”.

[$175] / [£110]
What did people do before phones to tell them the time? Why, they used watches of course. Before that? They’d look at the position of the sun using a sundial. Swatch have failed to release a range of limited edition high-end sundials for the discerning timekeeper, but they have released the highly anticipated Swatch SISTEM51. With its 90 hour power reserve and hermetically sealed case, the 3Hz movement delivers accurate timekeeping even in molten lava. What? Oh. Apparently that bits a lie, but it is a really nice watch. Look, you don’t care what junk is on the inside do you, you care that it looks fancy and tells the time. Just like people it comes in shades of black, white, orange and red, and apparently won’t need servicing for the entirety of its lifetime. They said that about Robocop though, look what happened to him. MURPHYYYYYY!!!!

[$90] / [£90]
BOOM! Box watch from Flud, The retro icon that is the Boombox has been reinvented into a boombox watch, which as it should has a retro LED watch display. Also comes in a sweet display/gift box. Put something a little different on your wrist...