[$35]
Is this the droid you were looking for? Haha get it, that’s like the line from that fucking film isn’t it? I wish I was dead. If you’re as big a Star Trek fan as I clearly am you’ll love this Sphero BB-8 Remote Control droid is just for you. Not only can you guide its movements using tablet and smartphone apps, it also listens to voice commands…unlike my bitch of a girlfriend who just ignores them. Make Captain Jean Luc Picard happy by buying a Sphero BB-8 today…unless you’re too angry that I got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up. If you did, have a word with yourself.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.

[$99.99] / [£89.99]
The Wonderboom Wireless Speaker by Ultimate Ears is small, loud and waterproof. It's like Danny DeVito, except you'll never see it burst out naked from inside a leather couch. Because it uses Bluetooth it's compatible with pretty much any music jiggy on the market, and if you have two of these things you can even pair them up for DOUBLE SOUND. Or you can drive everyone mental by playing Rammstein from one and Justin Bieber from the other. Yes, do that.

[$180]
Investing in solar power became a wise idea from the minute Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement and essentially grabbed Mother Nature right in the pussy. The planet is going to sh*t and there is not much you or I can do to stop it. However, what you can do is pay less for your electricity before the apocalypse happens. These Solargaps Solar Panel Window Blinds are a piece of piss to install, they store energy via batteries for later use, and they will reduce your bills by 70%. Just think; you can use that money to buy a revolver to kill yourself when the Ozone layer sods off.

[$122.33] / [£119.95]
The Ultimate Ears Boom 2 is a portable speaker compatible with android and apple devices via Bluetooth. This madam has a 100ft wireless range and 15 hours battery life. You can connect multiple speakers to create an outdoor human centipede of musical fun, and connect to the UE Boom 2 smartphone app for extra fancy features. It is also waterproof, dirt proof, and shock proof. So if some prick starts a playlist of Tyga tracks you can throw the thing in the river without destroying the party. Perfect.

[$999.99]
The Worx Landroid Robotic Lawn Mower is both the easiest way to cut your lawn, and the shittest Transformer in history. You’ll need to drop a thousand dollars for this baby, but once you have you’ll never have to shave your home’s grassy nubs ever again. The Landroid uses sensor technology to mow even the most intricate lawns. It might even give you a Brazilian if you ask nicely. Once you’ve set it up the Landroid will automatically cut your lawn seven days a week. If you’ve had problems with your wife boning the gardener, maybe try this robot version on for size. Or will you sleep with this guy too Carol? Huh? AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

[$Free]
The Amazon Dash button is a wireless ordering button you can set up to easily replenish those household items you buy every week. Stick it near where you use it, bam. I get that. It’s convenient. But…have they thought of the downsides? I should be hired to tell companies how dickheads might use their invention. I’d swap the stickers on your toilet roll and coffee. I’d order you 12,000 tampons because tampons are funny. I’d put the condom button in your kids room. Come on people, think of the consequences!

[$17.39] >
All hail the sun lord, for he is the giver of all things, such as life to nature, heat to humanity, and a sweet set of tanned ass-cheeks to ladies everywhere. You know what else the sun is good for? Charging these Solar Powered Light Up Bricks. These sturdy swines will stand up to rain, water, feet, cat-shit, tornadoes and lava. Well maybe not the last two. But still, these heavy glass long-lasting brick lights.

[$39] / [£24.99]
The worst thing to happen when you’re having a party at the back of a bus like a boss, is when someone brings a smartphone speaker out and it’s not compatible with everyone’s phone. You have to faff with a connector, a Bluetooth setup or a 3.5mm jack when you could be blasting out some of Will Smith’s hot new cuts to the elderly people and children who surround you. Screw that, just use the Boom Box Touch Speaker. You literally plop your phone or mp3 player on top of it with the device’s speaker facing down, and this USB charged speaker will blast out music for ten hours. Now all you need is a better taste in music, you terrible human being.

[$319] / [£190]
Some jerk policeman pulled someone over recently for wearing a Google Glass headset in their car. So until we have computers strapped to our dirty old peepers, the next best thing for navigating whilst driving is The Navdy. This fancy little device will make you feel like you’re in a futuristic film where Tom Cruise is playing renegade cop who is now a wasp or something. The Navdy integrates with your Android or iPhone smartphone and also your car’s instruments (except the trombone) to provide a heads up display projected right in front of you on its own display. Access maps, messages and music streaming using voice recognition or a few mid-air swipes. This unit is better than other HUD units that project on to your windscreen, as that requires faffing according to your specific model of car. Also bird shit on the windscreen makes it hard to read.