[$3,360] / [£2,315]
You thought The Cloud was that place you’d uploaded all of your pornography, but you’d be wrong. The Cloud is also an awesome multimedia device which you most certainly need in your life. This interactive speaker and lamp can stream music and create ambient light displays based on your awful music collection. It probably rains when Kesha comes on. If you ask it nicely it’ll also mimic a thunderstorm using sound and light, just like Storm from the X-Men when she’s wasted. Made from LEDs and hypoallergenic polyester fiber, these clouds are in high demand, so buy one now before Jesus sails down on his surf-cloud and batters you to death with his neon fists.

[$72.59] / [£49.99]
The Pocket Operator Synthesiser is a portable device which helps you create electronic music and beats wherever you are. It contains a powerful on-board speaker, runs off AAA batteries, and comes in three different varieties for different styles of sound. You’ll notice at this point that this description is rather functional and unfunny. Why is this? BECAUSE I’M SCARED SHITLESS! No longer will busker and tube-based song-wankers be limited to an acoustic guitar. Now they can pump out sassy beats wherever they like. Imagine the subway full of pilled-up raving lunatics stopping you getting places. The world will end. This device must be destroyed. Buy one and break it.

[$1030]
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.

[$799.99] / [£549]
The ROLI Seaboard RISE 25 MIDI Keyboard is a piece of equipment which baffles me, but whose purpose I shall nevertheless attempt to figure out in exchange for money. Apparently it has seamless hardware-software integration, wireless Bluetooth MIDI capabilities, comes bundled with Equator and exudes a sleek, intuitive design suitable for newcomers and professionals. I guess it makes some kind of sweet music, maybe it's the kind of thing Kraftwerk would use? Ah apparently I'm right, as it's the world's first purpose built, multidimensional software synthesiser. Well strike me down with a frozen stool, aren't I clever? Fucking expensive though.

[$122.33] / [£119.95]
The Ultimate Ears Boom 2 is a portable speaker compatible with android and apple devices via Bluetooth. This madam has a 100ft wireless range and 15 hours battery life. You can connect multiple speakers to create an outdoor human centipede of musical fun, and connect to the UE Boom 2 smartphone app for extra fancy features. It is also waterproof, dirt proof, and shock proof. So if some prick starts a playlist of Tyga tracks you can throw the thing in the river without destroying the party. Perfect.

[$39] / [£24.99]
The worst thing to happen when you’re having a party at the back of a bus like a boss, is when someone brings a smartphone speaker out and it’s not compatible with everyone’s phone. You have to faff with a connector, a Bluetooth setup or a 3.5mm jack when you could be blasting out some of Will Smith’s hot new cuts to the elderly people and children who surround you. Screw that, just use the Boom Box Touch Speaker. You literally plop your phone or mp3 player on top of it with the device’s speaker facing down, and this USB charged speaker will blast out music for ten hours. Now all you need is a better taste in music, you terrible human being.

[$1,600] / [£1,029]
The first thing you should note is that trying to make this awesome dog speaker at home is an absolute nightmare. The mess created by trying to force a smartphone into the brain-bag of a Bulldog is a right ruddy palaver. That’s not even taking into account where you shove the USB cable. Just buy one of these AeroBull speakers instead, available in white, red and matt black. Containing an amp, two full range drivers and a subwoofer, this dog lets out sound-guffs at 120 watts. Connect it to any smartphone using lightning, Bluetooth and NFC, or regular audio sources through a line-in, which I hope the designers have put on his winky, because that would be dead funny.

[$16.80] / [£17.44]
Unless you’re the kind of godforsaken animal who keeps butter in the fridge (you will rip your toast to shreds trying to spread that you fool), then you need somewhere handy to keep your deliciously churned cow-juice. This stylish boombox shaped butter dish is made of hand-glazed ceramic and comes in at 6 inches by 3.25 inches tall. So yeah, the size of butter, obviously. I mean if you wanted to, you could hide wasps in there, but who would be cruel enough to do that? You can’t spread wasps. I’ve tried. They scream.