[$19.99]
I'm always shaving my beard all wonky, and no amount of elaborate mirror arrangement ever seems to help. I could shave it all off, but my youthful face means I become an instant legal prey for the local nonces. Thankfully I’ll now be able to avoid such a sticky end with the Beard Bro. This shaping tool helps you trim either long or short beards with precision. Isn’t that good? Although the name sucks a bit. I’d have called it the Hyper Glide Precision Beard Radar Cyber Slice Pro 4 With Extra Twin Prongs.

[$7.25]
Are you too poor to own a dishwasher? Do you have to scrub your own plates like a pauper? Well maybe you should’ve tried harder at school, like the people who invented these Sponge Tipped Rubber Gloves. There’s not much more to say about these things, they’re latex rubber gloves with a bit of sponge stuck on to help you scrub stuff. It’s quite simple really, but did you think of it? No. Which is why tonight you’ll eat beans out of a tin and fall asleep regretting your terrible life choices. However, all that can be changed by buying these probably.

[$19.99]
Hand carved from Baltic birchwood and laser etched to precision, these Don't Fuck Up The Table Coasters actually serve several useful purposes. First of all, they help keep your table free from the scuffs and stains associated with beverage containers. Secondly, they remind you not to fuck up the table via other means, such as with hammers or a gamma-ray gun. And thirdly, they allow you to passively aggressively tell your friends you don't trust them around your home, except without the awkward silence which usually accompanies such a statement. Oh, also Amazon claims they're a great conversation piece too. But if this is seriously the kind of thing you'd consider having a whole conversation about, I'd say you need better friends bub.

[$44.99]
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.

[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

[$8.95]
What's your favourite kind of soap? Is it soap that you have no fucking idea what it smells like? Great, then buy some from the Whiskey River Soap Company. Beer whisperers is pretty self-explanatory, as it says it smells like IPA insanity. Great. But soap for awkward moments smells like your entire life. What? How can you make a soap smell like success and burnt flesh? That makes no sense. To be honest, just buy the one that looks the prettiest. It probably won't smell like ass. But you never know.

[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.

[$12]
Nobody likes a rough, scratchy beard. But if your face-mane is all wiry, what else can you do aside from smear it with margarine and hope for the best? I'll tell you what, you can buy this Honest Amish Beard Balm and soothe away your straggling strands. The recipe comprises of entirely vegan ingredients, including avocado, pumpkin seed, apricol kernal oils and a load of other shite that sounds like it belongs in your belly. So go on then, smear it on your face and see what happens. Nobody will love you any more for doing it, but at least you won't look like a meth addict anymore.

[$13.95]
Until now, the only things you could drink in the shower were shower water, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, shower gel or your own urine, blood and tears. However, this choice of bathtime beverages has now been expanded to everything ever, thanks to the SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder. This handly little bastard sticks to your wall and can hold bottles, cups, cans and really big eggs probably. Although it's not intended for use with glass, but that shouldn't stop a renegade bath-drinker like you!

[$12]
There’s no classy way to advertise this product, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it. If you want to find traces of spunk, spooge, tears, blood, mucus, shit, or any other bodily fluids the Luminol Crime Scene Spray is the tool for you. A perfect valentines gift for your jizzy beloved, Luminol contains highly reactive reagents which can detect spillages even after they’ve been wiped up. I used this spray at your Grandma’s house. The resulting glow left me blind.

[$249]
Showers are the most inefficient way to clean yourself, but do the women whose bathrooms I keep hiding in appreciate this advice? No. So maybe now the Nebia Shower has been invented they’ll listen instead of calling the cops and bashing me over the head with scented soaps. The Nebia uses 70% less water than regular showers, but still removes just as much people-stink. They work by atomising the water, enveloping you in a fine mist. The Kickstarter is currently sold out, but if you don’t want to wait you can order the $10,000 package and receive forty shower heads. You’ll need to take 33 times as many showers to make it worth your money, but that sounds like fun, doesn’t it ladies?

[$12.19] / [£7.99]
When my kids asked me to turn bath time into a funky disco light show it all went horribly wrong and I had to send them to rehab. Save yourself the trouble of all those costly rehab bills by investing in the battery operated Underwater Disco Lightshow. The waterproof device (obviously) bobs around your bath providing pretty coloured lights. This is the only time that that people will ever thank you for providing a floating object in a hot tub.