[$7,350]
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[£10]
The Bike Multi Tool by Present in the Laine makes a great gift for cyclists, especially if you don't really love them enough to purchase something more interesting. This handy gadget contains 14 different tools including allen keys, ring spanners, screwdrivers, a socket wrench and a handy carrying pouch. So if your cyclist friend ever has an accident out on the road, this Bike Multi Tool will have them up and running in no time. Unless they've been hit by an articulated lorry. Then they're probably dead.

[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

[€183,125]
You know the Shaman All Terrain Vehicle is going to be dangerously badass as soon as you see that half the specs are written in Russian. Those boys don't f**k about. I wouldn't be surprised if this bad boy had a thermonuclear warhead strapped under the driver's side window. Capable of going 44mph on land, 1.2mph in water and 0mph in solid concrete, the Shaman is a beast of a car that is as intimidating as it is expensive - kinda like that amazonian prostitute I hired last night. Oh Vilena. You crushed the life right out of my pelvis.

[£49.99]
Balloons burst. Bubbles burst. Small animals burst. These Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres do not burst. That's because they're made of some kind of sh*t that's all solid on the inside. They grip like normal bike tyres, have low rolling resistance and possess an equivalent give of about 100 psi. Do you know what that means? Then you ride bikes too much. Do something else. Read a book. Fondle a crow. Anything.

[$1,499] / [£1,000 + International postage]
One day a snowboard and a motorbike loved each other very much. The snowboard asked the motorbike to do all sorts of weird stuff it wasn’t comfortable with, but they nevertheless eventually produced a child. That child is the Onewheel, a motor-powered 2 horsepower beast board with a wheel in it that allows you to carve your way through fields, footpaths and families. Since we’re not getting proper hoverboards anytime soon, this thing that looks like a disabled skateboard is the best we’ve got. The charger ships with it and can juice you up in twenty minutes. It comes with regenerative braking, intelligent LED lighting and self balancing technology. Basically all this means is if you deck it it’s your own stupid fault for trying to ride up a wall or something.

[$2,500 + tax and shipping]
If this bike had two wheels at the back it would look like a tricycle that Forrest Gump’s stupider brother might ride. As it happens, the third wheel is at the front, and this makes it look absolutely incredible. If you ever want to know how people will get around when the nuclear holocaust happens, this is how. The aluminium frame combined with the two front-wheel design makes handling and weight distribution absolutely spot-on. The added mounting points for e-bike kits and overhead racks mean you can turn this beast into an all-in one hub of never-ending awesomeness. Riding this will make you look like you could kick someone’s ass just by looking at them. Just don’t put a basket on the front.