[$19.99]
I'm always shaving my beard all wonky, and no amount of elaborate mirror arrangement ever seems to help. I could shave it all off, but my youthful face means I become an instant legal prey for the local nonces. Thankfully I’ll now be able to avoid such a sticky end with the Beard Bro. This shaping tool helps you trim either long or short beards with precision. Isn’t that good? Although the name sucks a bit. I’d have called it the Hyper Glide Precision Beard Radar Cyber Slice Pro 4 With Extra Twin Prongs.

[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.

[$50] / [£49.99]
Tannus Tyres have developed cutting edge polymer technology to create solid state tyres which cannot puncture or deflate. Much like my sister after too much booze, they utilise a unique foaming process to create these tyres, whichclosely match premium city bike tyres in the way they handle. They’re also much lighter and come in a range of pretty colours. You know what this means? We can now throw all our broken glass, tacks, and razor blades into the path of any oncoming cyclist. If their tyres burst and they collapse into a crumpled heap, well it’s not your fault if they’re behind the times.

[$87.09] / [£59.99]
Introducing The Masterpan; an aluminium, non-stick, multi-section fancy pants pan which lets you cook lots of things at once, but without getting it all smushed up like in regular pans. Nobody likes getting bean juice on their bacon before it hits the plate, and now you don’t have to. Cook fish in one section and pudding in another, cheese in one bit and spiders in the next. I don’t fucking care, do what you want. Personally I use this to cook just one thing at a time, because that way I don’t have to wash it and I can just use a clean part when I want to cook next. When I’ve used each section once I simply throw the pan away and start again. Aren’t I clever? ANSWER ME!

[$34]
Ever wondered what it’d be like to be deaf for a day? Then buy these Wiener Dog Earplugs and force them in so hard they penetrate your brain. Made from “some kind of foam I guess”, these earplugs make it look like there’s a tiny yet elongated doggie squirming its way through your head. So if you want to show off to everyone about how much you love dogs via the medium of your ears, or you just want to block out the incessant ramblings of a loved one, buy these fuckers.

[$35.89] / [£34.99]
Whether you’re in the late stages of Parkinson’s Disease or you’re just a stupid clumsy shit, these Mighty Pint Glasses will prevent you spilling a single drop of precious precious booze ever again. The Mighty Pint Glasses are made out of plastic and contain Smartgrip Technology, which is something we may see installed in sex robots of the future someday. Smartgrip Tech enables these glasses to grip to any flat surface when knocked from the side, but without preventing you from picking them up. Because that would be stupid. And cruel. And stupid.

[$7.25]
Are you too poor to own a dishwasher? Do you have to scrub your own plates like a pauper? Well maybe you should’ve tried harder at school, like the people who invented these Sponge Tipped Rubber Gloves. There’s not much more to say about these things, they’re latex rubber gloves with a bit of sponge stuck on to help you scrub stuff. It’s quite simple really, but did you think of it? No. Which is why tonight you’ll eat beans out of a tin and fall asleep regretting your terrible life choices. However, all that can be changed by buying these probably.

[$63.45] / [£53.33]
If you own a Mac then you’ll know they’re as delicate as a dandelion, as weak as a kitten, as fragile as a child with no immune system in a playground full of sneezing jerks. So why not buy this outstandingly durable Military Grade Macbook Cover? Designed for the 12inch Macbook, this military tested armor shell is what tough army guys use to protect their Macs when they’re chatting online to their family shortly before a devastating explosion. So you know they’re good. They also come in clear and smoke grey…just like an ejaculating robot.

[$19.95]
There are some very specific problems in this modern world of ours. Some are annoying, such as terrorism or gluten intolerance. But others are downright tragic, such as the inability to charge your phone when there’s a sofa in the way. Thankfully we’ll never see another tragic dead iPhone splashed across the front pages of the newspapers ever again thanks to the Blockhead Side Facing Apple Charger. It works with every iPad and every Macbook, unlike anything else ever invented ever.

[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.

[$68.99]
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.