[£2.99]
Is your dog a complete loser who can't even go and sniff another dog's anus without getting all shy? Then why not get that four-legged f****r drunk for some dutch courage! Those pesky animal rights people will have a shit fit if you feed your pooch regular suds, so instead serve them up a bowl of this delicious Bottom Sniffer Dog Beer, containing precisely zero alcohol, zero bubbles and zero fun. Nevertheless, this Dandelion and Burdock flavoured treat will still help your dog feel proud of its body and confident in it's self, allowing it to finally hump that stranger's leg it's always had a crush on.

[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.

[$29.99]
Furries rejoice! Your prayers have been answered. This set of Mouth Moving Animal Masks for sale at Vat 19 are so realistic that when someone is wearing one you'll actually think you're mounting a real, 14-stone pug. Available in lion, wolf and fox as well as pug dog varieties, these masks strap on to your mouth tightly, providing an unsettlingly realisitic (and arousing) appearance.

[$39.99]
Is your dog nowhere near sexy enough? Then buy the hairy little swine one of these Dog Leotards, which come in a range of sizes and colours to fit even the most portly pooch with a predilection for lycra. Originally designed to help prevent shedding dogs from leaving their fur everywhere, these lightweight, breathable outfits are now more popular as a way of stylising your canine companion. And if the dog doesn't like wearing it then who cares? They're just dogs. If they wanted a say in how they were dressed they should've evolved like we hoomans done did.

[from $99]
Everyone loves their pet puppies, kitties and pet tiger sharks, until they become all dead. It’s such a nuisance throwing a lifeless dog corpse into the canal. If you want to remember your pet, living, dead or ugly, then why not have a lovely portrait made by Splendid Beast. It takes 8 weeks to create a customised oil painting based on a photograph you send in. They offer templates that make your pet into a king, businessman and a sassy sailor. No porn star templates though. That’d be too sexy.

[$18.90] / [£10.49]
Apparently puppies know how to swim when only a few weeks old, but they also need to practice early on, so this guy wazzed a load of dogs in a lake and took pictures of it, I assume. I don’t know his exact process but I’d say that’s a pretty good guess. Underwater Puppies is a recipe book on how to boil dogs. That’s a lie, it’s blatantly obvious what it is, photos of puppies underwater. It comes in kindle and hardback and is a 128 page sequel to author (can you author a book of dog pictures?) Seth Casteel’s bestselling debut Underwater Dogs, except here they’ve made it with hot sexy young puppies instead. Kinda like when they remade Spiderman with a more youthful lead, I bet Tobey Maguire Dog is really narked off. The book has pictures of underwater puppies looking calm, stupid, shocked, furious, bemused, demented and sassy. Those would have been way better names for the seven dwarves.